asma halai's blog

“Asma, you don’t need to air out your business online. What will someone think if they read this? This is so unnecessary, and you should keep to yourself.”

Shame. That’s where it’s coming from. Those thoughts were coming from a place deep within me that was ashamed. Fearful of what others will think of me and ashamed. Now, let’s be honest: each and every one of us has made so many mistakes; we’ve done things we are ashamed of. We think about them and ruminate on all of the what if’s. But what if we stopped being ashamed? What if we took every present moment as it is, not dwelling in the past, and rather than being ashamed of our past, we embraced it? Embrace the lessons it has taught us and the teachings that we can use from it to apply to our present moments, because you actually wouldn’t be exactly where you are if it weren’t for the past.

In Islam, there’s this concept of not sharing your past sins. At first, I didn’t understand. I thought not sharing your past was being inauthentic and not fully accepting youself, but now I understand it. I thought sharing my sins with friends and family would be how I got rid of guilt and shame. But it didn’t work for me. It actually reinforced ideas and made it harder for me to work through certain things. Share your life, talk to people, and build strong connections, but I don’t think basing the whole relationship on your shortcomings is a good idea. Because you are so much more than your mistakes.

Society as we know it has conditioned us to become obsessed with shame, shame of ourselves, shame of other people and shame of our environments. It’s actually really messed up; it’s like we’re all conditioned to cohabit in this unattainable reality of things we think we want (but actually don’t), and when we fail, they shame us. What if I told you that the feeling of shame is actually the worst possible thing you could do for yourself, and it’s creating invisible blockades for you to live your life? See below.

I think you should just live and experience life truly. Get off that damn phone and go outside and talk to people. Do what feels right, not good, but right, to you. Why do I emphasize righteousness and not goodness? Wonderful question, it’s because of my religion. See, Islam has literally all the cheat codes you could ever need embedded within its teachings.

Sometimes we follow our nafs, our desires, our “self”, our “ego”, and it’s actually the worst possible thing for us, but it just feels so good in the moment, it feels like you’re doing exactly what you’re meant to do, but really it’s a trick to go after a fleeting emotion. Oftentimes, we get wrapped up in the advice of others, and due to that, we tend to forget our inherent worth and also right and wrong, we get sucked into doing things we don’t really want to do because everyone else is convincing us it’s right. But it’s not our right, it’s their right.

Let’s take kids, for example. Why do kids need parents? There are a lot of reasons, but a big one is to guide them and to tell them right from wrong. I still think of myself as a kid in some ways, and I go to my parents for so much, but I’m also 22. That’s young to some, old to some, but to me, it’s exactly how old I am. I don’t know much, but I know some things, and every day I learn more. When I was a small kid, I made decisions based on my parents’ guidance (well, mostly), then I became a teen, rebelled a lot and hid pretty much my whole life from my parents. I thought they were nothing like me. Then I hit 21. That’s the year I realized that my parents are kinda awesome. Yeah, they made mistakes, but for my whole life, that was my focus: their mistakes. I think I did that a lot; I focused a lot on people’s mistakes and did my fair share of character assassination, but I’m changing now. Now I see my parents for their strengths. I see them for their resilience. I see my dad for his morality, his steel heart (when life gives you tangerines reference) and his silliness and more. I see my mom for her quirkiness, her kindness and her compassion and more. And I finally realized they were on my side the whole time, I just didn’t see it because I was so focused on their mistakes, when really that was a minute (adjective) part of our story. The things I didn’t like about them, are now my favourite things about them, but now I’m going to share my most favourite part of the way my parents raised me.

My parents let me learn shamelessly.

Learning is a very special thing, its cruicial to our being as humans. I think every day we learn something new, conciously, subconciously or both. A big part of learning is that it’s unique for every learner, and that’s what makes it so special. Sometimes we learn things that everyone else approves of, and it’s a celebration, but then sometimes we learn things that they don’t, and then things start getting a little wobbly because that sneaky little thing called “self-doubt” starts trickling in, but that’s why you gotta learn shamelessly and with AUTHENTICITY. If you do that, those little “self-doubt” termites wont even stand a chance.

So how do you learn shamelessly? The thing is, I’m actually not entirely sure, but here’s what I think, and if it resonates with you, add it to your cart.

I think it’s all about foundation. Think of a building. Any building has to have a strong foundation for it to stand. If it doesn’t, over-time it will fall. Unfortunately, we’ve been taught that if the building has been built, and the foundation is wobbly, you have to keep calling the handyman every other week to do small repairs, and just ride it out until the inevitable fall of the house. But what if there’s another way…what if it’s actually completely okay for you to sell the house, take a deep breath and start building a new house, slow and steady, brick by brick, and this time, with a strong foundation, with tawakkul.

My Chachi told me something this past June that I carry with me in my pocket,

“It’s never too late to change your mind.”

The point is that everything will change, eventually. And instead of being scared of change, embrace it, and see the good in it and remeber that there is a constant even when sometimes it feels like there isnt, there is. Allah SWT is The Constant. Instead of listening to your “nafs” all the time, listen to the divine guidance that’s already been given to us.

You’re gonna have bad days, you’re gonna have days when you really mess up. But those bad days and experiences only prove that you’re going to succeed. My sister helped me understand that. If you’re a stats person (I’ve recently joined a stats class) it’s like normal distribution, it’s all gonna balance out.

Imagine this. Imagine you’re deliberating a really important decision in your life. Now imagine, as you’re deliberating and pondering this topic alone in your room, there is an emergency board meeting going on in your head. A full round table affair. Each of the opinions of your friends, family, other people family, random people ect are all personified and are sitting on that round table screaming at each other and fighting with one another. Then, if you look closely, there’s this little figure, at the front of the table, with her head down, face planted on the table. If you look at her name tag, you’ll read, “CEO”. I was that CEO. I was the CEO who was so overwhelmed and bamboozled with listening to others’ opinions over my own that I just shut down.

And then there was a click. I don’t know when, or how, or what was going on in my prefrontal cortex, but something changed. Now, when I close my eyes and imagine that board meeting, there’s still discourse, there are still arguments, but now the CEO leads the meetings and gets the final say. No one else.

You are worth so much, so much more than you even think you’re worth, and I think the best thing you can do for yourself sometimes is to believe that and listen to yourself and put all your trust in Allah. Rely on Him. Even when your mind tells you all sorts of things, fight through it. Because there are no two you’s. There is only one you, one you that experiences your life and no matter how close a friend you have, or how amazing a parent you have, they are simply not you. Talk to people, build connections, but remember that the only person who has a totalitarian view of your life is you. We all need guidance and help to get us through things, but remember to make sure that you are the CEO of that meeting.

thanks for reading ,

until next time.

your friend, asma

Fire and Hemlock by Diana Wynne Jones.

A Fresh London Fog.

Skating.

Saigon Lotus’s Pho Dac Biet.

Pink (as always).

Soup, any and all.

When life gives you tangerines.

I just heard this and I need to share it with you guys before I sleep.

“People will give you all sorts of advice, literally all of it is contradictory. Be grateful but also dream big.

You don’t have time but also you can’t rush something good.

Don’t give up but also let go of things that aren’t meant for you.

If you love them, you have to fight for them but also if you love them, let them go.

The best advice you can ever receive is: don’t listen to advice. Advice is more for the advice giver than the advice receiver. Nobody knows what you’re going through except you, so listen to yourself first.”

I sorta condensed it but I really liked what he said. I got this from a video by Baron Rayon. I like him a lot.

Goodnight

I love cooking. It’s one of my favourite things to do ever. I love trying new foods and making new recipes and just the whole shebang. Today I made Chinese Steamed Eggs.

I saw a recipe on Pinterest and ran straight downstairs to start whipping them up. The recipe is simple: eggs, vinegar, water, soy sauce, sesame oil, and green onion.

1. Take a bowl and add two eggs, and 3/4th cup water, a touch of vinegar and another touch of salt. Mix it real good.
2. Strain it to remove goop, and then steam it however you want. I used a wok.
3. Let it steam for like 9 minutes then take it out, cut into squares in the pot you cooked it in.
4. Top with one tbs sesame oil, and oil tbs soy sauce and dazzle with green onion.

I made it with some octopus hotdogs :).

It was delicious. Like, really delicious. I now have a whole new level of respect for eggs. A personal goal of mine this year has been to not have my phone anywhere near me while I’m eating. To be present and respectful to the food I’m consuming. As I sat and ate, here’s what I thought.

I am so fulfilled. This meal fulfilled me in a way that showed me that contentment comes from within. And it can be practically effortless.

We often spend a lot of time draining our energy into things that we think are going to make us happy, but then end up doing the opposite, really. Making those eggs was so simple, so effortless, it felt like it was exactly what I needed to do. And it fulfilled me in the best way. I didn’t have to slave away for it. I don’t think you have to be a slave to this world to be happy. Like people say, “You need to spend your 20’s and 30’s working so hard and then chill the rest of your life. And all that matters is hard work. Hard work beats talent.”

It took me a while to unlearn those ideologies. And to understand that they’re wrong.

Let’s begin, shall we?

The center of everything is Allah. Allah is Everything. He made all that there is to make, and He sustains all that needs sustaining. Every part of everything you perceive was created by Allah. Now, with that logic, would it not also be fair to say that Allah creates “hard work” and the desire and will to want to do it?

Last year and the year before that were probably the years in which I look back in my life, and I think I worked the hardest. Like everything I did, school, work, projects, it was a lot and felt like I was always working so hard and just a slave to my “accomplishments”. But I was drained; it felt like every day I was just depleted.

The past 6 months have been completely different because I made a change. I decided to align myself with Allah SWT, and with that came the best 6 months of my life. I have accomplished more than I was able to in the past 5 years. I learned so many new things, and I just feel alive again. Someone may look at what I’m doing and say wow she’s working so hard, and to that, my response is no, I’m just doing what I’m meant to do, because my alignment is right. Everything I’m doing doesn’t feel like hard work; it just feels like conscious effort that I actually want to exert. Writing doesn’t feel like hard work. School doesn’t feel like hard work. Life doesn’t feel like hard work anymore. But if you go and look at my metrics, you’ll see that I’m performing the best in this quarter than in any quarter of my entire life.

If you go outside and look at nature, you’ll be in awe of Allah’s creation. How Allah sustains everything, each blade of grass, each animal, each creature in the wild. Allah SWT is Ar-Razzaq (The Sustainer), He sustains literally everything, and you think He won’t sustain you?

You’re not in control, no one is, so just let go. Let go of the stresses and calamities and put your trust in Allah SWT. After all, He is Al-Muhaymin (The Controller). You can push for rigidity and control all you want, but you’ll just be doing yourself a huge disservice. Let go, and accept the favours of Your Lord.

Surah Ar-Rahman (55:13)

فَبِأَىِّ ءَالَآءِ رَبِّكُمَا تُكَذِّبَانِ ١٣

Then which of your Lord’s favours will you ˹humans and jinn˺ both deny? 

I believe that to love is to know. To love Allah SWT is also to know Him. As humans, our knowledge of Allah SWT is microscopic; honestly, even microscopic is too big. But using what we can to learn about Him will guide us.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

[Bis-mil-lah Hir-Rah-maan Nir-Ra-heem]

What does the phrase we say every day, multiple times a day, mean?

“In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful.”

“In the name of Allah, the Most Merciful and the Most Compassionate.”

The names of Allah, Asma ul Husna, tell us about Our Creator. And we should be conscious and present when we say Them. Before eating, say [Bis-mil-lah Hir-Rah-maan Nir-Ra-heem] but say it with presence. Be present in the fact that you are repeating two beautiful names of your Creator and reflect on their meanings.

So much to say about this, so much I tell you. But for now, I think that’s all. To conclude, yes, maybe hard work beats talent, but I’ll tell you a truth. Hard work will never beat Allah SWT.

Best eggs ever.

Some descriptors to get us started today.

Kun Faya Kun (كن فيكون) is a powerful Arabic Quranic phrase meaning “Be, and it is,” signifying God’s effortless command and creation

Tawakkul (Arabic: تَوَكُّل) is the Islamic concept of placing complete trust and reliance in Allah for everything.

Wow, I’m writing a lot these days, and I’m liking it. Feels like I’m back in my mojo. So our topic for today came to me while I was sitting on the bus. I want to start with Kun Faya Kun. Man, I’ve spent hours just thinking about this phrase and how powerful it is. Like, I don’t think you understand, all the answers to literally everything exist within this phrase to me, SubhanAllah. Let’s get into it.

Control. Stress. Friction. I see this everywhere around me, all. the. time. We spend like 95% of our lives trying to control every outcome. We argue, fight and push for things to go our way. Because our way is the only right way, and we know exactly what’s best for us, right? Wrong. I’ve found so much peace and solace in realizing I know absolutely nothing, and most of the time, I have no idea what the best decision is. Letting go of constant control was the best thing I did in my life, and as soon as I started doing that, I started living again. I realized that I don’t control anything; only Allah does. Kun Faya Kun. Be, and it is. Our Creator only had to say “Be,” and it became. Lik,e is that not the most amazing thing you’ve ever heard? Nothing happens in this world if Allah does not will it, and when Allah has willed something for you, nothing in this entire world can stop it. When you start to change your perspective and how you see the world, you will see Allah everywhere, because He is everywhere. He never left; you just stopped looking for Him. So open your eyes again.

Trust. Faith. Love. Tawakkul, a beautiful concept. Trust Allah’s plan, because it’s the only one that really matters. And I do, I really try to, but then these happen :/,

“Money doesn’t grow on trees.”

“You still have to work hard; you can’t just expect everything to fall into your lap.”

“Be realistic, that’s not how the world works.”

Unfortunately, we live in a world where there isn’t a whole lot of trust. Everyone is hurt, everyone is coming with their own pain, struggle, and strife, and when they see something that doesn’t align with the reality they’ve cemented in their brains, they want to eliminate it. Muslims have actually been the majority of people who have told me those things, and I wonder why. Do you not understand the greatness of your Lord? He can do anything. He turned the fire cool for Ibrahim AS. He parted the sea for Musa AS. Obviously, I’m not saying we are prophets, but I read these stories, and I sit in awe. Nothing is too big for Allah.

You know what, I actually think a lot of us are addicted to stress, because it feels good. It feels good to think that you’re in control and everything is working out because of your “effort”. But what happens when it’s not working? What happens when all of a sudden something happens that you could never expect? Then it all comes crashing down. We wrack our brains trying to figure out the “whys,” and we ruminate all of the “if only’s”, only to be stuck in a vicious cycle. For me, the secret to slowly but surely overcoming that has been Tawakkul. Complete unwavering faith. There is so much peace in knowing that the only place you should place your full attachment is with Allah. I noticed that when I started aligning with Allah, the things that were so difficult for me became easy. And you might say, well, you still have to work hard to do xyz, yes, 100% you’re right. But I feel that when you’re aligned with Allah, the hard work doesn’t feel like hard work anymore, it just feels like exactly what you’re meant to do. People around you may think that it’s hard work, but to you, it just feels natural.

That’s all for today, folks! Until next time.

Toodleloo,

Your dear friend, asma.

Esteemed readers!

Hi,

I was sitting in my room after watching the movie “People You Meet on Vacation,” and it led me down a little reminiscing rabbit hole. I took the past semester off from school and travelled. I started my sabbatical on an impromptu whirlwind trip to New York City. Why NYC? Honestly, I don’t know. I think I was hoping to find some magic, and I did. Not in the way I thought, but I definitely found magic.

Two days before I was leaving, I called my mom and said to her matter-of-factly,

“Mumma, I am going to New York.”

“Okay….good idea, go,” she said.

The morning of my trip, my mum and I woke up bright and early to drop me to the nearest GO station so I could start my journey. I ended up booking a like 12 hour bus from Union Station to NYC (the cheapest option on such a short-time frame). I frantically began putting the last of my belongings in my bag and rushing to the car to get dropped off. We started driving, but I had this sinking feeling that we were too late in leaving, so as I expected we got to the GO station and the train had left.

“Shoot” I whispered under my breath.

“Okay, what do we do?” asked my mom.

I told her that the only other way I could make the bus was if I somehow got to Union Station in the next hour. I live around 45 minutes away from the city when there’s no traffic, and with traffic, it’s more like 1.25 hours. My mom was determined to get me to that bus, so we started the car up again, and Union Station was our next stop.

As we were driving, something felt different in the air. I turned from the passenger’s seat, and I looked at my mom with the utmost admiration. Something felt really different that day. I always loved my parents; I think we all do in varying ways, but I think people rarely talk about how that love transforms as you age. In that moment, specifically, a completely new part of my heart unlocked for my mom and I felt so much love for her. I looked at her, and she smiled, almost like maybe she knew what I was thinking. Sara Halai, that’s my mom. She’s kind of like the coolest person you’ll ever meet. A character that reminds me of her is Geet from Jab We Met, and I think the best word to describe her would be free-spirited. She’s taught me everything I know, and she keeps teaching me every day, but one of my favourite lessons she taught me is that nobody is a “bad person”.

I quickly turned my head to face the window again as I began to feel tears well up in my eyes. I lucked out on the mom lottery.

As I said bye to my mom and walked to the bus, I remember feeling my sweaty palms. Nervous, excited, scared and eager. It felt like the start of something new, a new chapter, a new beginning

Union Station never felt as big as it did that day. I remember getting lost on my way to the bus and finally finding my way and taking my seat. It was a long ride, I think 12 hours? I enjoyed it regardless. Hours passed, and eventually the sun set and darkness overtook my window. My eyes got heavier, and slowly I felt myself beginning to doze off in anticipation of the bright city lights.

“Final Stop! New York City!”

I woke up with a jolt and quickly gathered my things to leave the bus. As I stepped out of the bus, I felt it. I felt the magic that drew me here, and I knew in that moment that Allah brought me here for a reason. I looked up, and the lights of the glimmering city were blinding my eyes, and I realized I had to make my way to my Airbnb as soon as possible because it was getting late, and it was in New Jersey. Yep, that’s right. At 10pm at night, I had to venture from Midtown NYC to a small town in NJ. Cheapest Airbnb I could find on such short notice but I was excited. I made my way to the Port Authority Bus Terminal to hop on a bus. I met a really nice man there, dressed in a bright green outfit, who helped me find my way. Eventually, I got to my lodging and flug myslef into bed.

Goodnight.

“Beep, beep, beep,” my alarm clock shrilled.

Good-morning New York City.

The next three-ish days changed me, and I did a bunch of things I never thought I’d do. I sent a text I never thought I’d send. I sat on the steps of The Met. I journaled on a bench in Central Park. I saw a Broadway show, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child (one of my favourite parts of this trip). I had the best bagel of my life. I went to a jazz show. I walked, a lot, and much more.

But what did I learn? What can I take away from my experience there that I reflect on regularly?

Lesson Number 1: I learned that I am okay, and even if I’m not, I will be eventually.

I got thrown some curveballs this year, as we all normally experience every once in a while. For a little bit after, I remember feeling like someone took me, shrunk me to the size of a garlic clove, put me in a glass mason jar and shook the jar so hard that the garlic turned to a paste. But while I was a paste, I remember sitting in my pastyness and remembering that garlic paste is just as useful, if not more than, garlic sometimes. So I scooped myself up and started cooking.

The Holy Quran (94:5)

فَإِنَّ مَعَ ٱلْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا ٥

So, surely with hardship comes ease.

(94:6)

إِنَّ مَعَ ٱلْعُسْرِ يُسْرًۭا ٦

Surely with ˹that˺ hardship comes ˹more˺ ease.

Lesson Number 2: There is so much out there that your brain can’t even understand. So go outside and like just exist.

I think I started to realize that whatever you’re doing, you can do it anywhere in some way. And sometimes just venturing out into the unknown actually teaches you more about life, yourself and people, than most other self-help things.

Lesson Number 3: You’re never alone. Allah is always with you.

I think for a big portion of my life I didn’t know who I was. I let everyone else’s opinions become mine and I didn’t stop and think about what I thought. I used to think I was really alone and no one really understood me, because I took everything so personally and let one little comment ruin my day. Here’s how I changed that. I started to realize that everyone is just coming to the equation with THEIR conditioning. Other peoples actions (or lack of action) is simply just a reflection of them, not me. Once I realized that, I don’t think I really felt that loneliness again because I know I was understood and heard by As-Sami, The All-Hearing.

Lesson Number 4: Your. Perception. Is. Your. Reality.

Okay that’s a really big one and I want to do a whole separate blog about that so stay tuned.

Okay I think that’s it, thanks for reading friends.

Toodleloo,

Until next time,

Your friend, asma.

How are we? What’s going on!!! Surprise, surprise, it’s 2:42 am, and here I am writing away. I’ll be honest, it’s a little out of character for me because I’ve been really good the past couple of weeks, with a strict bedtime that I’m adhering to and waking up early. It’s been feeling really good, and I’m seriously considering this as my new normal. Today’s a one-off day, not too sure what’s in the air, but I woke up around 12:30am and can’t seem to fall back asleep.

So, hi. It’s been a while.

To be honest, I’ve been writing on and off just for myself, but I wanted to take a little bit of a break from sharing. I got back to Canada a few weeks ago, so the last little bit has just been super busy, and lots of stuff is going on. Also side note, many of my friends know I am somewhat of a ChatGPT hater, especially when it comes to writing. I’ve made it a personal oath to not use it for anything I write for many reasons, but the reason I’m sharing it now is that I’m definitely going to have grammar issues here, so bear with me, I’m human.

Some book updates that I never shared,

Finished Norwegian Wood by Murakami a couple of months ago. I liked it; it was a good read. My favourite book, no. Not by a long shot. Honestly, that’s all I have to say about it.

Finished How To Stay Sane in an Age of Division by Elif Shafak. I really liked this one. A message that deeply resonated with me. I think one thing that really stuck with me was the concept that if everyone around you is super similar to you, something is not right. Read the book, she explains beautifully.

Started but didn’t finish Karachi Vice: Life and Death in a Contested City by Samira Shackle. Okay, this one was awesome. I learned so much in the chunk that I did read, and her writing is so fluid.

Finished The Prophet by Khalil Jibran, but I need to read it 100 more times. Self-explanatory.

Finished A Place for Us by Fatema Farheen Mirza. Finished this one a really long time ago, but it’s so good. About a Shia American-Indian family. Amazing book, so raw and real, especially in the way that family dynamics and religion were coloured. Shout-out to Sanna for lending it to me, and also honourable mention to Hani, who’s starting it now. Also, honourable mention to my Chachi, who was the OG in recommending this book. Safe to say it’s a good one.

Reading Pachinko by Min Jin Lee. I like it, I’m not too far in, but I like it so far. Excited to see it unravel.

Reading, but I’ve kinda pushed aside A Hero’s Walk by Anita Rau Badami. Honestly, a solid book. Really unique point of view and lovely writing. Need to get back into it, but it’s hard to read as much with school. I’ll still make time though.

Really want to read and will soon: A Midnight Library by Matt Haig and Drunk Tank Pink: And Other Unexpected Forces That Shape How We Think, Feel, and Behave by Adam Alter. Both of these sound right up my alley. Also funny story about how I found the second book. I love pink, it’s pretty much my favorite color. So one day I was doing some research on sound, colour and frequencies and how they impact us. Like how higher frequencies impact our brain and which frequencies are correlated with different colors etc, that’s a tangent for another day, but then I came across this book. Apparently theres this shade of pink that actually reduces aggressive tendencies, and so in a prison that I can’t remember the name of, they painted the walls of the cells this colour so inmates would be less aggressive, and it worked. TLDR: Colour actually impacts us in way more ways than we think, and so does literally everything else. Super cool, I know.

Today I want to talk about why we read. Here are my thoughts.

Growing up, I loved reading. It was my thing, like you know how everyone has their things, yea well, reading was mine. I would spend hours and hours in my room reading Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, Neil Flambe and The Land of Stories all through my young years. I started getting into books like The Mighty Miss Malone and The Help in eighth grade, and it just went on from there. I couldn’t sleep without a book. I would use my books to tune out the world and just fully immerse into a whole new one. Then high school happened, and things went in a different direction. I still read here and there, but somewhere along those lines, high school friendgroups, having a cute outfit, and crushes took the reins of life, a little too tightly. University started, more life stuff happened, but then something amazing occurred. I started reading again. Now I don’t remember which book, but I do remember being super engrossed in a book one day, walking to class in the dead of winter, and my fingers feeling like they were going to freeze off, but the book, man oh man, the book, I just couldn’t put it down.

As a self-proclaimed full-time, then part-time, then full-time again reader, I read because I teleport. Sometimes, when I’m really in a book, I am literally in it. I imagine the characters as my friends, and I feel myself in the stories like they’re my reality and to me, it feels like teleporting. And, how can you beat that?

Now, I’ll be honest, and I’m not ashamed of it, I have been a performative reader sometimes, but I am not she anymore, I hope. I remember a couple of random times in my life I said I read a book when I really didn’t to appear smarter.

Smarter. I am smart, so why did I want to appear smarter? Because somewhere along the line, my love for reading started becoming an ego thing. And ego things are the worst kind of things, trust me. I started thinking that if I read more, people would think I was smarter, and I would be upholding this self-image that I built up in my head of myself that I was so attached to. But deep down at the root of it, I think it affected me so much because in my heart of hearts, I didn’t think I was smart. From being left out of group projects in high school, to being dismissed in conversations about STEM and politics from people around me, to just being told the english equivilent to the Urdu sentence “aapke bas ki baat nahi hain”, which kinda means “don’t bother, you don’t know much about it anyways”, I think somewhere there is when I started this notion in my head that I wasn’t smart and that’s also kinda when I left reading. I think I still read, but it wasn’t asma reading, like the real teleport amazing reading, it was just meh reading.

Growing up sometimes means unlearning a lot of the patterns and behaviours we cling so closely to. I think we cling because it feels safe, but it’s not good for us. It keeps us chained to the same cycles, and we halt our own growth at the expense of being a little uncomfortable. I now think of smartness differently, associate it with different things, and embody it differently, and finally, I think I’m smart. I may not be the best at math or physics right now, but I can be. I may not know how to play the trumpet, but I can learn. I may not be great at bowling, but I can be. And I think that’s what life should be all about. Knowing that with Allah’s will, you can literally do anything as long as you try. This world is so fleeting and illusory, so don’t let anyone ever tell you that you can or can’t do something, because if you ask me, I bet you can.

So goodnight, everyone,

Talk soon!

Your friend,

asma.

How to stay sane in an age of division – Elif Shafak

what is a friend?

category 1

i think friendship can be many things but i have learned thus far in my life that the stepping stone for any relationship is respect. Seneca divides friendship into three categories the first category, a friendship of mutual transaction. this is a relationship where there is a give and a take, you give something, they give something and that is the basis of the friendship. he actually says this isnt really even a friendship.

category 2

category two is a friendship of mutual pleasure. this is a friendship where there is an activity of mutal pleasure that naturally joins you both together. for example it can be the friend you always go shopping with ot the friend that you always go to try new restaurants with. an activity of pleasure bonds you two together and that is was creates, feeds and stems your relationship.

Category 3

this is the final boss of friendship. this is the friendship of mutual admiration . this is a friendship in which there is true and genuine admiration for one another. its equal, its not just a surface level bond, this is a deep whole appreciation for the other person. when you see this friend, you feel an entire fulfillment in terms of how you see them and how they see you. they don’t have to do anything, or be anything other than what they are and that is completely and entirely enough for your utmost admiration of them. here, communication is clear, kindness is a non-negotiable and love is present. seneca mentions that you can’t really have many of these friends because it takes significant emotional and physical energy to maintain and uphold these friendships. now, they are not draining but to do them fully and right you must have a significant amount of emotional space available for them.

now heres my two cents. to be completely honest i still have so much to learn about friendship. but i thank Allah SWT everyday for the amazing wonderful friends He has blessed me with. i also thank Him for those people that i thought were my friends but rather came into my life to teach me valuable lessons about myself, others, and the world.

i am blessed everyday to have friends that i can go to for guidance, support and just kind of literally anything. these select few are my anchors through difficulties and my guiding light through really dark times. i really love my friends a lot and each and everyone of them are my teachers in their own unique ways. ive always believed that everything happens for a reason, but now i like really believe it. i truly believe that each and every person that enters your life, whether for one second of five years, enters for a reason. Allah SWT is the best of planners and each person He brings into our life has a unique purpose. a life lesson that i think has really guided me is just that. when you start to believe that everything has unique intrinsic value, your life changes. you notice the good and bad for what it is and everything starts to have that colour again. you know like that feeling you get when the music is really hitting, like that color. not sure if its making sense but it makes sense to me. anyways, when you start to open your eyes a little and embrace your sensitivity and let go of people that force you to get rid of it, Allah will show you things you never thought you’d see, He will allow you to meet people you never expected to meet and your life, slowly but surely will change for the better. the friends that I have in my life are small little fragments of virtue, that show me versions of life through their lens. together we make a new joint lens. good company and true virtuous friends are a fuel in this life.

i think two things are important in friendship, respect and honesty. respecting one anothers boundaries is critical and taking the time to learn important things about all your friends is also important. these are the people that are there for you, care for you and listen to you in times of need and it should be an utmost proity to respect and be honest with them. i used to think its better to always let things go and not call people out but i dont think like that anymore. the second i took a stand and starting calling out disrespect and unkindness, the way i saw myself also changed and my relationships started to flourish. be honest and genuine in your friendships and watch how true friendships stay and grow and others float away.

trying this new blog style and im liking it.

toodle loo friends,

till next time.

your,

asma.

September 12, 2025

what does it mean to be domesticated? 

do·mes·ti·cated

/dəˈmestəˌkādəd/

adjective

(of an animal) tame and kept as a pet or on a farm.

“domesticated dogs”

(of a plant) cultivated for food; naturalized.

“domesticated crops”

often humorous

fond of home life and housework.

“he is thoroughly domesticated”

that right there is what google says being domesticated is. i had an insightful conversation today, that took me down the rabbit hole of human domestication, what is means, and why we need to start to open our eyes. 

this morning I woke up and had a dentist appointment. normally after my dentist appointments, I head to Fortino’s which is across my dental office for a quick snack or to peruse around the grocery store (one of my favourite things to do). as I was walking through the dairy aisle I got gravitated to this glass bottle of chocolate milk. it looked so creamy and delicious so I just had to pick it up, and was so excited to crack it open and have a drink when I got home. I got home, drank the milk, and yea it was pretty delicious. Creamier than normal milk and quite enjoyable to drink. There was a little part of me that thought it wasn’t THAT crazy but still a normally better experience than my usual chocolate milk endeavours. 

around an hour or two later i had a riveting conversation that was the stepping stone for my writing today. the conversation was centred around humanity, what its become, and what now? i received an analogy from that conversation. “we are all cows in a dairy farm”. upon first hearing that, i didnt get it and I kind of laughed and remembered the milk i drank this morning. how the heck am i a cow and why am i being farmed? but its true. 

reading that milk bottle when i was drinking, i saw and indicator that said that it was derived from A2 cows. i didnt really know what that meant but i knew it meant the milk was better in some way, i now know that its because theres in a influx of a particular protein that makes this type of milk easier for people with lactose sensitivities to digest, so basically A2 is better than A1. A1 is the normal milk because it observes normal function, and A2 is the better one because it passes tests and is accepted by more people. 

us as human being are all naturally predisposed to do different things, we all naturally gravitate to a multitude of things. that’s precisely why we have so many varying career types. i often found it so interesting that us as humans are unique from each other in a multitude of ways, yet so many of the systems that surround us are so concrete and finite. lets take the school system for example, why are we all tested on the same subjects in the same way, with a universal curriculum that is fit to stimulate the “average” mind. that makes no sense in any way if we are all different. i truly believe we are all different because i have experienced it. ive experienced the different ways people speak, react, understand, love and rage. its almost without a doubt clear that we are all different to some extent. yes, there are similarities, we are the same species of course, but the systemic imbalance created in assessing the similarities and differences is the reason for pretty much all our problems today i think. 

one natural predisposition of humans, especially human babies and children is to learn. if we need to learn, we need environments where learning is facilitated, but here the issue, learning isn’t facilitated in schools, its farmed. we’re tested in different ways sure, you’ll see on an exam there’ll be multiple choice, short answer and long answer and most people are normally proficient in one or maybe two of those sections, in our systems, that would equate to a B/C mark, societally these people would be our A1 cows. they’ll go on to live normal lives, and contribute to society in a normal way. then you’ll have the select few who are exceptional. these are the minds that come back with straight A’s, and proficient in multiple choice, short answer and long answer. these will be our A2 cows, they will probably go on to join our highly acceptable careers, such as doctors and engineers. just like the A2 cows, people like them more, they have better facilities and in general people just accept them more. 

also i have been very lucky to have some amazing teachers who genuinely facilitated my learning and actually wanted me to learn, but the vast majority of teaching ive experienced surrounds “rata marna”, a concept in hindi and urdu which means learning and continuous memorization without really understanding meaning. 

okay so heres the current system, now why is this wrong? 

heres a preposterous statement, the schools are one of the reasons for our current mental health crisis.

We’ve created a mental and physical hierarchy for everything.

in the past, in some tribal civilizations, different people still existed and each of their roles would be equally beneficial and used. we had healers, warriors, hunters, teachers, cooks, etc that all were apart of the communities and were respected equally for what they had to offer. over time and throughout history people (men) decided there must be jobs that are “better”, (lawyers are better than cleaners, doctors better than mechanics, stem people better than art people) and thus the downfall of human existence began. lets ask the pivotal question and i ask anyone reading this to really think about it, why is a lawyer better than a cleaner?

when i answered I found myself coming to surface level answers like, more money, better reputation, nicer uniform, etc and thats where I want you to really think about the grand scheme of things that matter to you. if those things are genuinely reasons why you would choose one job over and another, by all means go ahead and do what you want. but heres what i think. what if you recognize and acknowledge all those things but something deep inside you really tells you you want to be a cleaner, like you have an innate passion for it. then what. well i think you should be a fricken cleaner, because no matter how great of a life you’ll have when you’re a lawyer, something will always be missing. because you didn’t listen to yourself. so thats the issue, the schools are conditioning us to fall into this scheme of hierarchical careers and trying to make us all want to attain a perfection that deep down we don’t really want, we just think we want it because of our conditioning.

and i think they also want to kill self-expression by reducing the importance of finding true meaning, but thats a conversation for another day.

anyways im tired now, its 3:39 am, dont be domesticated because youre not an dog, cats are better than dogs because theyre harder to domesticate and the love they gives you feels so much more fulfilling because cats actually choose who to give their affection to and dogs are cute and great but theyre kinda yes-men. be yourself and you might just feel better. 

goodnight, toodles, 

till we meet again. 

asma

March 31, 2025

oddly enough, I get the weirdest burst of uncontrollable motivation randomly in the late hours of the night when it’s just me alone with my thoughts and here i am on my laptop writing. the past couple of weeks have been riddled with insecurity for me. I’ve been having an increasingly difficult time with my hijab, and for some reason that insecurity is lingering in me for much longer than id like. 

I always think of myself as a semi-confident person, I like certain things about myself, and I have fun in my own company. I think I’m a little all over the place sometimes, and as much as I hate to admit it, I do struggle with my appearance sometimes, but, it’s going to get better. 

I started wearing the hijab in the early days of September twenty twenty-five. why’d I start? the answer to that question has changed a couple times, and I think it needs a separate article of its own, but, in layman’s terms, I started for myself because it felt right. Now, the story I have to tell today is one that I’ve thought of quite a few times because it was truly just weird. on January 24th, my friend Josh and I spent the day together in celebration of his 22nd birthday coming up on the 25th. the night was young, we grabbed a dinner that stuffed us beyond belief and then began to walk to our next destination. a jazz lounge.

 upon entering, I was met with dim lights, a mixed crowd, some young, some old and not a single hijabi in sight. at first, it didn’t feel that weird, and I wasn’t thinking too much about my hijab sticking out like a sore thumb because, well, I just wasn’t. the jazz band started playing, and Josh found a cozy little nook to stand in in the corner of the stage with a little leaning post that we could lean on. the band began playing, and it was such a wonderful atmosphere. everyone was smiling, and I have the fondest memory of this groovy man standing right up front of the band dancing, with the most amazing footwork. 

some time passed, and I was met with many warm smiles, and suddenly, I encountered another warm smile. a lady, around 45 years of age roughly, came up to me and gave me a big smile. I remember her starting a conversation with me, asking me what my name was and saying I looked beautiful with hijab, and she was really happy to see me. I was a little taken aback because I had never met this woman in my life, but I was still appreciative of her kindness. She began telling me about her life, her work in journalism and radio, how she was here with her husband. 

then she began talking about her relationship with religion. 

look, I get it. a hijab is a very outward sign of being a part of the Muslim faith, and I’ve now learned that it is also a very popular topic of conversation when you are its wearer. but the way the conversation was conducted confused me. She started sharing how she is no longer a practising Muslim due to her upbringing and that she finds Islam suffocating and constricting. I nodded my head with a strained smile, starting to get a bit uncomfortable because I didn’t understand why I, a Muslim hijabi, was the outbox for these feelings. she applauded me, congratulated me, and complimented me for being this symbol of breaking barriers within the Muslim community. I remember her saying, “It’s so amazing that you are here,” almost as if someone like me didn’t belong there. Followed by, “You can always have a little drink, too; don’t be pressured not to!”. She left, then came back again to repeat a similar conversation, and then left again for the night. 

I have thought about this encounter quite a few times over the past few months, trying to make sense of what that was and how I felt about it. And to say I have a few thoughts, it’s a blatant understatement. I didn’t like it at all, I didn’t like that I was spoken to about those things and that she felt that she had any right whatsoever to use me as an emotional dumpster for her trauma. When she made the comment about drinking, I remember thinking that I was a bad Muslim. I was a bad Muslim to be in that environment. I was a bad Muslim for letting someone think that I wanted to drink and my faith was “holding me back.” I was a bad Muslim because I was there. 

I had to really sit with those thoughts, understand my relationship with religion, and realize that no one truly knows my intent and what’s in my heart except me. Navigating your belief system is difficult, and it’s especially hard when you have no clue how to start but are just jumping in headfirst. Wearing the hijab, to me, is many things. It’s hard sometimes, but it’s a part of me now. every day, slowly, I am trying to take steps to better and live according to what feels right, not good, but right, and I trust myself because “myself” is the thing that brought me to the hijab in the first place. and putting on the hijab has been one of the best decisions I’ve made in my little life. 

theres more to this post, but thats all for tonight. 

goodnight my friends!